Vice President Cheney Wins 5th Straight Puppy Blood Drinking Championship
“The Vice President is very sad” said a spokesperson for the Vice President. “He had hoped to beat it (his previous record). Maybe next year he will.” Sources close to the Vice President confirm that Mr. Cheney may have missed his previous record due to the fact that he suffered from a bout of conscience recently, a condition known to be sometimes deadly to careers in Washington. The Vice President reportedly got over it quickly after ordering the rape and torture of some 17 Iraqi prisoners held in a secret prison in an undisclosed location.
Laura Bush, 60, placed second. Her consumption of the blood of 17 puppies came close to tying the record for first ladies. The first lady record for puppy blood drinking was set by Nancy Reagan in 1982, when she finished off the blood of 18 puppies in five minutes before stopping for a bathroom break. When asked why she didn’t complete the full 12 minute event, The then first lady responded “My psychic told me that beating Ronnie would be something he’d never forget.”
Before the event, a very chipper and peckish looking Vice President said “I trained for speed. This is a cake walk for me. My undisclosed locations get a bit boring. Boredom makes you just want to shoot someone in the face. Thankfully, this spring, my staff came up with the bright idea of bringing me gallons upon gallons of baby blood drawn from the bodies of Iraqi orphans. Baby blood is a lot thicker than puppy blood. So I am ready for this event. Have your cameras ready, cuz the VP is gonna’ make HISTORY”.
Finishing distant third, with the blood of only 9 puppies under her belt was Washington Insider, Condoleezza Rice. When asked why she was such a slow drinker, Condi replied “No one ever handed me an instruction manual, so I didn’t realize it was even a contest.” When asked about the manual in her hand entitled “Puppy blood drinking contest. Drink as much as you can, as fast as you can”, Ms. Rice replied, “I have many books in my library. That doesn’t mean I ever read them.”
President Bush called the winner to congratulate him. The Vice President apparently took the call and reportedly told the President. “You don’t get it. You don’t call me. I call you”.
The annual puppy blood drinking contest has been held nearly every year since 1866, when President Andrew Johnson created the event as a way of distracting Congress during his impeachment trial. The event was replaced once shortly after China’s boxer rebellion with the blood of Chinese immigrants, but puppy blood resumed as the main course the following year after contestants complained that the previous year had left them hungry for more, only an hour after the event.
With the exception of Ronald Reagan, traditionally, U.S. Presidents have stayed away from the event, choosing rather to give the glory to their underlings. President Bush had planned to follow Reagan’s example by participating in the event shortly after taking office, but after an unfortunate event with a pretzel, it was decided that he should bow out of the competition, sending his most trusted advisor, Carl Rove in his stead. Rove consumed the blood of an unprecedented 194 puppies before being disqualified for leaking during the event.
“The annual puppy blood drinking event is the most fun you can have without an intern” commented Former President Clinton, one of this year’s guest judges.
