Viewpoints on Polygamy Practiced by American Muslims
In the Quran it says:
4:3 If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice
Polygamy in practice long before the time of the revelation of the Quran and Islam. Men had multiple wives sometimes as many as up to nine or even twenty. Many people are under the misconception that polygamy began with Islam and Islam gave men permission to more than one wife. At a recent Dawah conference at Masjid At-Taqwah Imam Siraj Wahaj stated that “The Quran gave limits to what was already in practice and made it more just for the women and commanded the men to treat their wives equally.” Stated Imam Siraj. Another question was asked well why give them the permission at all and Imam Siraj stated that ” We as Muslims sometimes do not always question what Allah does but in his divine wisdom prophesied that in the last days there would be one man for every fifty women.” By giving men the limitations or the amount of up to four wives, the Quran also specified the rights that each wife has over her husband. During Pre-Islamic times men who were kings or who were very wealthy treated women like property and had harems. When Islam came into practice it gave women who choose to be in a polygamous marriage their equal rights as well as experience the consequences when they did not strive to treat their wives equally.
People in Western society often have a negative viewpoint on polygamy in Western society, however before slavery and colonization in West Africa, men had sometimes had multiple wives, and all the children born in a polygamous marriage were all rightful heirs to their father’s property after he died. Even as recent as twenty years ago men had four wives in Ghana West Africa and the children benefited from being able to obtain love and affection from each wife. Brother Umar from Ghana, West Africa grew up in a household were his late father had four wives. He has had many fond memories as a child growing up in such a household. “The beautiful thing about it was that even if my biological mother was not in the house to directly take care of us I had my moms co-wives who would sometimes feed us, bathe us and play with us.” Brother Umar grew up thinking that all the wives at first were blood sisters because since his father treated them all well they got along very well. Later on when he was older and was able to understand the nature of their relationship he noticed a little jealousy amongst the wives. “The jealousy was very subtle though and that is natural.” Brother Umar from his fathers marriage has 25 other siblings with his mother having seven children. The children never wanted for anything and all were able to seek education travel abroad and work or have their own businesses. “In the Quran the mother is the most honored and I had the privilege of having a mother multiplied times four.” He stated with fondness in his heart.
In Western society men are forced to stay monogamous even if they are able to take care of more than one wife. In the West men sometimes end up in extra martial affairs and have children born out of wedlock. Sometimes the women stay in the marriage even when they discover the affair is going on and their husband will not remain monogamous. Sometimes this is out of love for the husband or fear of financial loss obtained from the marriage. If the laws of Western society allowed men and women to have a choice to have these kind of relationships, men could be open and honest with the wives and let them know before entering the marriage that they are not the monogamous type. Then the woman can have the choice to decide to pursue the relationship or not. With the shortage of men to women, especially with men dying in wars women fear being alone and not having a mate.
Some women however enter polygamous marriages knowing that they will be able to have time for themselves as a second wife when the husband spends time with the other wife. Sister Hadayai Majeed a dynamic middle aged sister who is the co-founder of the Baitul-Salaam network has been the second wife to her husband for nine years now. She enjoys the time that being a co-wife gives her. “When my husband goes to his first wife for the three days that she is due it gives me the time to spend with other sisters. I can plan trips away from home knowing he is not going to be there.” The only thing she wished she can change is the way that the West views polygamy. “There is a lot of hypocrisy in the West. You are taught to turn your head to a man’s cheating with many women however you are to condemn him for being honest and taking on other wives which actually gives everyone involved the dignity that they deserve. From Sister Hadiyah’s experience in being in a polygamous marriage she advices sisters to evaluate their relationship and know all their rights given to them by Allah in the Quran. “It is always advisable that if your husband approaches you about taking on another wife and you are in agreement with it that he has the other person to take a blood test prior to the marriage.” She stated. She also stated that in Islam there is no compulsion. “The practice of polygamy is not for everyone. No one has to participate in it if they choose not to be a part of a plural marriage. We all have our rights and can make choices that are good for us.”
Another couple who wished to remain anonymous expressed both the advantages and disadvantages of polygamy. The wife who has been married to her husband for sixteen years. She first met her husband at the age of seventeen and wanted to marry him at that time when she had first taken her Shahadah. Her husband at the time was already married and her mother who was not Muslim did not approve of her marrying. So she later met her husband at the age of twenty-three and has been married to him since then. “The advantages of being in a polygamous marriage is that I get to have my space, I can invite sisters over to spend the night and I get to miss him and prepare for him after the four nights he has been home to his other wife.” Another advantage is that if you have a good co-wife then you can get help with the children and the house hold responsibilities The disadvantage of being in a polygamous marriage is that when I need something from my husband financially, I may have to wait depending on how urgent my co-wife needs are.
When I asked the husband who is also an Imam of the community about the advantages and disadvantages of polygamy he stated that it can help when you have a business and the wives are talented. “When I was married to the four wives they each helped me with the business, one was good with managing money, the other was good for typing, while the other was able to manage the office.” The disadvantage is that it can be costly and if the wives are not mature then your marriage can be a living hell. The advice that the wife gave to sisters who are entering a polygamous marriage is that “be mindful of the first wives feelings and do not try to take the place of the first wife because it can backfire on you. The husband stated to the brothers “If you are entering a polygamous marriage to boost your ego then I would advise you not to go into it because polygamy is not a joke.” The husband advised that a brother has to be very mature to be in a polygamous marriage.
