Vinegar: The Domestic Wonder Fluid
I’ve picked a handful of domestic problems to highlight just what a wonder liquid vinegar is. Both the problems and their solutions may surprise you.
Domestic problem #1: Skunky coffee pot.
You peel open a brand new canister of coffee beans, grind up two heaping spoonfuls, brew the grounds with purified water, pour into a cup and taste.
Blah! It’s skunky. Weeks old residue in your coffee machine is the culprit.
The solution? Fill the coffee pot with distilled vinegar. Pour it into the water reservoir. Put the pot back in its holder and brew.
Once the vinegar has completely refilled the coffee pot, pour it out into the sink. Fill the pot again with water. (Make sure you use hot water so as not to crack the still-hot coffee pot.) Brew the water to clear vinegar and old coffee residue. Once fully brewed, pour out and repeat once more.
The result will be a squeaky clean coffee machine. Enjoy your untainted cup of joe.
Domestic problem #2: Fruit flies.
Oh, they’re disgusting creatures! Barely the size of gnats and just as annoying. And once you’ve spotted one fruit fly, you can bet you will soon share space with several dozen of its siblings.
The solution? First find the source of the fruit fly breeding ground. This will likely be a rotten piece of fruit that you have somehow overlooked. Maybe it fell behind your computer desk, who knows? It should be easy enough to locate as a swarm of fruit flies will eventually hover around the area.
So you’ve found the rotten fruit and you’ve discarded it. Good. But you still have dozens of fruit flies to get rid of. Here’s how:
Get a small jar or glass cup. Fill the bottom third of the cup with apple cider vinegar. (Apple cider vinegar works best because it has a sweet, yet putrid smell which is highly attractive to fruit flies.) Take a piece of paper and roll it into a cone shape, making sure that the bottom end is no larger than the diameter of a dime. Rest the cone inside the jar, making sure not to touch the tip to the vinegar, and tape it in place forming a tight seal. The only way in or out of the jar for the fruit flies must be through the cone.
Now set the jar in a heavy fruit fly traffic area. Within 24 hours you will find a dozen or so flies floating dead in the pool of vinegar. Remove the cone, drain the jar, add fresh vinegar and re-tape the cone in place. Repeat this process until the fruit flies have disappeared.
Domestic problem #3: Musty closet.
A musty closet is a huge problem if you don’t want to mustify your entire winter wardrobe, photo albums, unused exercise equipment and whatever else you might have stored away.
The solution? After removing all items, wash the interior of your closet with a mixture of 1 part vinegar, 1 part baking soda, 2 parts ammonia and 4 parts water. Be sure to coat every last inch of the surface area. Let it dry. Put in an aromatic mushroom, throw away half the crap you took out of the closet, giving the rest of your things room to breathe. The mustiness should be gone for good.
Domestic problem #4: You suspect your husband of having an affair.
Hubby has been acting strange lately. He frequently places phone calls in a secretive and suspicious manner. Inexplicably maxes out his credit cards. Stays late at the office two or three times a week. Makes unexpected business trips with little notice. And he is vague and cagey trying to explain all this.
Sorry to say, but hubby is getting some side action. But you’ve got to prove it.
Solution? Go into the home office and pour vinegar all over his computer keyboard until the circuits fry. This can be assured by leaving the computer on and pounding the keys as the vinegar soaks in.
When hubby comes home from work, explain that you were cleaning the musty closet in his office when you accidentally spilled the solvent. He will be livid, demanding to know just how he’s supposed to get any work done with his keyboard trashed.
Tell him you’re sorry and the only thing to do is go out and buy a new one — immediately. Even though he’s pissed, he’ll agree, eventually.
Once he gets into his car, quietly make your way out the front door to your own car which you will have parked on the street ahead of time. Let him get to the end of the block and start tailing him. He might start on his way to the computer store, but at some point, probably half way there, he’ll surely realize this is the perfect opportunity to visit his mistress! At the very least, he’ll want to bitch to her about his stupid dipshit of a wife.
Follow, but stay a couple cars back. When he rolls up to the other woman’s house, park a block or two away. The rest is up to you. Peak in a window, see if you can get a visual. Take pictures to incriminate him later. Whatever. Just remember, if it wasn’t for that bottle of vinegar, you’d never have known for sure whether or not your man was a two-timer.
Domestic Problem #5: Your husband is (definitely) cheating.
Okay, now you know for sure your husband is a dirty, lying philanderer.
What’s the solution? Wait until hubby has gone to sleep, pull down the bed covers, lift his ball sack and rub a healthy amount of rice vinegar on his perineum. Nine out of ten men do not wash in this area. By placing vinegar (and especially the rank smelling rice variety) you will create a two-foot radial “gag area” in which your husband’s forbidden lover will nearly vomit any time she ventures into the vicinity. This will ruin your husband’s chance at fellatio. She will likely force your husband to wash the offending part before she services him. This should effectively kill the intimate mood and stem the torrid affair.
Repeat this procedure until your husband dumps his mistress (due to lack of oral) or she dumps him (due to VD suspicions).
If your husband happens to be the one man in ten who does actually wash his perineum, simply wait until he is asleep, then douse his head in rice vinegar until he wakes up. When he bolts upright, shocked and disoriented, level your accusations of cheating and warn him that if he ever does it again, you won’t be so kind as to open the bottle of vinegar next time. You’ll just smash it over his head.
Domestic Problem #6: Your wife is cheat on you.
All right men, let’s face it, we’re so oblivious to things that, by the time we suspect our wives of cheating, she’s probably actually been doing it for at least three years. So we can skip the “suspecting” solution and go directly to “what to do” about a cheating wife.
Solution? Get a bottle of vinegar and a shaker of sea salt. While the wife sleeps, rub both the vinegar and sea salt on her gums. She will awaken with an insatiable urge for salt and vinegar chips. It will be the first thing she wants and since she’s eating on an empty stomach, she’ll pound away half a bag of Cape Cods before she asks herself what the hell she’s doing.
Repeat this for thirty days until your wife has packed on twenty pounds. If your wife’s secret lover lets it go this long before he finally dumps her, then you’ve just broken up an intensely committed extramarital relationship. Congratulations!
Domestic problem #7: Feminine odor.
Solution? Balsamic vinegar makes not only a fine salad dressing, but an effective deuche as well. Or so I’m told.
