Water, Water Everywhere
Since he is supposed to be packing to catch an early morning flight you figure there must be an explanation for this daybreak lawn-shoveling.
There is. It seems, according to The Husband, there is a “leak” in the kitchen and the water should be turned off. Somewhere, under all that snow, there is a water main buried in the lawn and hell if he’s not going to find it.
Now maybe a nice wife would mention there is also a water main valve in the snowless basement but really, how often do you get to tell your family and friends you got to watch your husband shovel the front lawn?
Enter NotNice Wife into kitchen. There is no discernible leak. No, what there is, is 10 gallons of water per minute pouring out of a ceiling fixture. And judging by the 150 gallons of water now flooding the kitchen floor, walls and appliances, this has been going on for a good 15 minutes. This is no leak; this is a kitchen shower.
NotNice Wife turns into soaked Panicky Homeowner who watches in disbelief as the kitchen ceiling gets destroyed by a burst upstairs water pipe. The formerly dry floor is now a pool. In the midst of all this madness I have a thought: If I open the doors we can have an indoor rink.
As the panicky homeowner, I race to the basement to search for the water main only to find ceiling beneath the kitchen is also showering and the basement is now a low-end pool. And guess who can’t find the basement’s water main. Yes, Miss NotNice. After 10 years of living in the same house, you’d think one of us would have an idea where the water main is. It’s then I realize there should be a law about owning a home without a license. A learner’s permit at the very least would have helped.
So I did what any irrational flooded homeowner would do and called the police. Now before all you mindless tenants get the wrong idea and call Avon Lake’s finest for your home woes, I was not calling them to turn off my water. That’s not their job. I was hoping they could contact the water department to turn off the water.
The officer who answered the phone tried to tell me where the water main turnoff was and doesn’t it figure, the house’s short person is searching the ceiling pipes, not the floor by the water heater, where the valve was.
To make a long story short, within minutes, two officers showed up went to the basement and turned off the valve. Seems one officer spent years in the building business and unlike many homeowners, knew where to go.
Here’s my advice: If you are reading this column in your home stop reading.
Right now.
Put down this column and go find the water main in your house. I don’t care if you’re male, female, single, married, young or old, own your home or rent. Go find that valve so when the temperature drops to 9 degrees and the bathroom pipe placed too close to an outside wall bursts, you’ll save yourself a major water cleanup and the repairs that will accompany replacing your kitchen ceiling.
Wives, find the valve. If you’re nice, tell your husbands. Husbands, think of how much smarter you’ll look stopping the water in minutes without the use of a shovel. Keep the snow on the lawn-it won’t mind.
I owe a big thanks to the local police department who even checked the upstairs of the house to make sure the water was completely off. It was a good display of “above and beyond the call of duty.” (Note to officers: I SWEAR I have no idea how the bedroom/family room/living room got so messy! Damn dog! Note to homeowners: Having a house in disarray during a flood is the equivalent to your mother’s warning about wearing dirty underwear in the event you’re in a car accident.)
