Wedding Story
To truly understand how this wedding went we need to bring in the key players to this event, namely my brother-in-law “Mike” and his bride to be “Mary”. Their courtship alone seemed to the whole family to be just a bad idea. It was not just me, the whole family thought so. Why do you ask? Well my brother in law, “Mike” although a sweet young twenty-something, was….how can I say it politely? Well, the boy is just not real smart, missing some tools from the shed, a few fries short of a happy meal, well you get the point. The same thing with “Mary” who was even younger at 19 at the time. Just the fact that she was already sporting two out of control preschool rugrats by two different fathers pointed to the fact that there was not a whole lot of book learning going on. Anyhow, they got involved and we begged and pleaded with “Mike” to please not give her a chance to get pregnant because we knew that nothing good could come of a third child with this bright red lip stained, blond haired, trailer living hussy. Well, he was smitten and we were horrified when she came up pregnant- surprise surprise.
We now fast forward to the wedding at hand. My husband and I, just Newlyweds ourself would have rather gone to the dentist than attend this affair, but it was his brother and we of course both loved him. The day started out beautiful and sunny but by the time we got to the wedding site it had turned extremely muggy and unbearably hot. We stood outside this beautiful little church with his mother awaiting the arrival of the happy couple. Well about thirty minutes later up pulls “Mike”, “Mary” and the demon seeds. Neither one was dressed in their formal attire, the kids looked they had just got done playing in the dirt. To me it looked like they arrived hoping to be attending a garage sale not their own wedding.
As horrified as I was, we all piled into this cute church which with the unbearable heat reminded me of a Baptist church that they would have in stifling hot Atlanta, Georgia with no airconditioning and that hard to breathe feeling. I slunk down in the back miserable and praying that this would be over soon. Mind you, they were running AT LEAST 30 minutes late. As I am trying to relax I see the two precious dirty-faced angels absolutely torturing the practicing organist, pounding on her instrument and screaming at the top of their lungs. My husband started yelling at them and dragged them both downstairs to “Mike” who was in charge of getting both boys ready. In the midst of all this my mother in law came upstairs with a red flushed face looking absolutely exasperated. She asked if I would please go downstairs and talk to “Mary”. I was afraid to ask why but unfortunately I did. Well it seemed that our little bride did not feel the need to put deodorant on and she wanted me to tell her to do so! Bare in mind, that this was not the first time “Mary” had arrived to an event “less than fresh”. She had once visited my tiny apartment and smelled so bad I had to light candles and incense. I told my mother in law that I did not feel it was my place so as usual my husband had to take care of it. Only, he went and told “Mike” that his precious wife-to-be stunk and he had best do something about it. Honesty is the best policy right?
I took this latest incident before the wedding to indicate that it was time to go outside and literally smoke myself to death. Things were not going well, guests were starting to arrive and of course no one seemed to be even close to being ready. My brother-in-law realized when he reached into his garment bag that the tuxedo shop did not give him those shiny ugly shoes he was required to wear so he took off in his pickup for the 15 mile drive into the city to get them. This is around the time when I started looking around wondering where the cameras were hidden. They had to be somewhere I just had to look harder. My mother-in-law must have had the same idea because she came trotting out of the church, barely leaving the step before her cigarette was lit. Well, it was a nice reprieve because we of course starting complaining at the bizarre-o situation we had dropped ourselves into. Do I have to say that it got even weirder? Probably not but I will say it anyway….although maybe disgusting is more like it. My mother-in-law and I had not even finished our cigarettes before the Beverly Hillbilly Bridesmaids ran out giggling and heading for the car. We both looked at eachother, neither of which wanting to ask where they were headed off to with the wedding already running late. Stupid us, but we asked anyway. Well, what the girls said to us was unimagineable. It seems as though that with all her wedding day plans (forgetting her deodorant and the fact that her kids had not bathed in days) my future (gulp) sister-in-law forgot to put underwear on for the most important day of her life! Her brides maids were headed up for the 10 minute ride to the mall, to purchase a pair for her. Well, I guess part of the wedding tradition is “something new”…well hers was underwear. From that latest news, I knew that I was in for a good time.
The wedding itself was short and….a little too sweet. How could a wedding be too sweet you ask? Well the vows weren’t tearjerking but it got a little dicey around the time of “I dos”. You see, I am all for romance…I assure you I am. Well this trashy..I mean happy couple decided that the kiss was their favorite part of the ceremony. Which meant that it was the least favorite part for their audience. I am unsure if it is possible to get your pregnant bride pregnant AGAIN but my brother in law sure as hell tried up on that stage in the sight of God and the preacher. The standard five second or so kiss should definately suffice in sealing the marriage shouldn’t it? Maybe I am wrong. Well all I saw was this mad groping of arms and tongues with no hotel room in sight. But why should I be surprised?
