What to Do Instead of Yelling at Your Child
Though it seems almost uncontrollable sometimes, yelling creates more problems than it solves, and when you yell at your child, you are teaching them that yelling is the way to deal with problems. But what can you do instead of yelling? Here are several steps that are more productive than yelling at your children when they are misbehaving.
1. Listen. Ask your children why they are doing what they are doing. Then, when they shrug (because they will), ask again. And again, if necessary. Get them to talk about the “why” of their behavior, and oftentimes you’ll discover the root of the problem. Listening moves the focus from the symptom (the immediate behavior) to the disease (the underlying issues that should be addressed). For example, a child I know recently stole money from his single mother’s purse. When she asked him why he stole from her, he told her it was because all of his friends had a cool new video game and he wanted it, too. With a little talk about family economics, they came up with a game plan: he would do extra chores to earn money from her, which he could save up to pay for his own games. When you know why they are acting out, you can work towards resolving issues and preventing future misbehaviors.
2. Explain. Children don’t know the way the world works, or the way that people interact. Their behavior may be a result of that. Explain why they should or should not do something, as opposed to simply telling them. Explanations give them information that they can apply to future events. It also makes teens feel as though you’re treating them like adults. Explaining, like listening, can head off many future problems.
3. Punish. Yelling is not a punishment, it is a communication style. If getting loud is your way of punishing your children, then they will soon learn to ignore what you are yelling about and go back to misbehaving. Instead, be firm and set a punishment. For younger kids, this may be as simple as a time out. Older kids may respond to taking away privileges such as TV or video games. Whatever the punishment, it should make them think twice before acting out again.
4. Separate. If the problem is so intrusive to your peace of mind that you feel yourself nearing a blowup (or sense that your child is), separate yourself and your child for a short while. Readdress the issue later, when you are both calmer. In the meantime, ask your child to give you space and let them know that you will be thinking about a future punishment and that they should be thinking about why they acted the way they acted. Then, when you come back together, listen, explain, and punish.
Yelling often seems the easiest solution to a problem, but these steps can help you create a calmer and more productive relationship with your child, in which you both understand the other’s view and are able to prevent future misbehaviors.
