What to Do When Your Teen is Out of Control
But you might think that you’ve done everything to instill in your child a sense of appropriate behavior. Maybe you’ve even tried counseling and therapy, and nothing has worked. There are thousands of frustrated parents all over the United States who have reached their wits’ end, and who don’t know what else they can do. Their children are running amok with little or no supervision; some are taking drugs, others are having unsafe sex, and some are even prostituting themselves on the streets of America.
I’m not saying that there is no hope for your child – far from it – but there comes a point when you must take decisive action in your role as a parent. You are still in charge, and as minors, they are still under your guardianship. Nothing should stop you from correcting the behavior.
The problem is that many adults really don’t understand teenagers. After we reach a certain point, we forget how we thought, acted, and solved problems through our adolescence. We might think that its still fresh in our minds, but in actuality, we are unable to recall the thought processes of our youth.
The mind works in strange ways. We can remember events and actions. We can remember where we were on July 4, 1977 and what we had for dinner; our mind possesses that capacity, even if we are unable to tap into it. But we cannot recall our feelings.
But this is not an article about the brain and its functions.
The mental and emotional development of children allows them grow up slowly, gradually learning different skills. Cognitive development in teens is mostly abstract; in other words, their cognitive development is complete, and now they are learning to “connect the dots” between abstract ideas.
Take right versus wrong, for example. A child of five or six learns that hitting Mommy is wrong, and hugging Mommy is right. They don’t necessarily understand why hitting Mommy is wrong, only that there are negative consequences for doing it. As the child grows up, he learns that hitting Mommy is wrong because it hurts her and because you should never hit another human being.
Sometimes, that type of development is stunted during the pre-adolescent and adolescent years. It doesn’t mean that your child is retarded or mentally incapacitated in any way – far from it, actually – but that the wires linking right to wrong are somehow crossed.
There are many reasons for this, and most of them are emotional issues that reside within your teen:
1. A Desire To Please
I have seen this problem quite often among teenagers, and it isn’t really a problem until it is used negatively. It comes down to the old adage: If George jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? Teens don’t understand that acting just to please their friends and peers is not always right, even though their hearts might be in the right place. If one of their good buddies suggests snorting coke, they don’t want to be left out, so they do it just to please their friend.
Talk to your teen about the consequences of following the crowd. Express to them that individuality is beautiful, and that later in life, they will be proud of taking their own path. Teens who march to the beat of a different drummer often turn out to be great thinkers and leaders in adulthood. Give your teen examples.
2. A Hatred For Authority
This is becoming more and more common, and though a dislike for authority is not always a bad thing, it can be exercised to extremes. A common theme, for instance, is hatred for police officers. Cops represent order and law, and teens want to rebel against such a controlling factor.
At some point, these teens rationalize that stealing, doing drugs, and fighting is not really a bad thing, but a protest against The System. They feel justified in their actions because they represent a cause for which they have no respect.
Explain to your teen that their passion is beautiful. Obviously, they have strong ideas, and they want to make a difference. Respect is earned, not given, and they are perfectly within their rights to make decisions about these issues on their own.
However, they are not within their rights to express them detrimentally. Explain that they shouldn’t steal, take drugs, or hurt other people because they are infringing on other people’s rights. Explain that they should be more concerned about their own humanity than about the law, and that you have no respect for people who take advantage of others. Make it a personal situation between you and your child, and don’t let them get away with excuses.
3. Depression
It is entirely possible that your teen is suffering from depression, and is looking for a way to relieve himself of his pain. Depression does not just affect adults; it is becoming increasingly apparent in children and teens, and it more radically clouds their judgement and behaviors.
This, of course, does not excuse their behavior, but you should do your best to get to the root of the problem. Ask your teen on a daily basis how they are feeling and what is going on in their lives. Take an active part in your teen’s daily life, and don’t be afraid to probe for information.
This will probably be met with a series of complaints from your teen, but they are probably secretly grateful to get it off their chest. Explain that it’s okay to get graphic with you – if they are involved in sex or drugs, you want to hear about it so that you can more accurately advise them. Don’t get mad and yell about the things they tell you; simply explain how you feel about them and do your best to communicate.
4. The Domino Effect
This analogy is used for a variety of illustrations, but it is certainly appropriate in this situation. Many teens do one “bad” thing, and find that it’s easier to continue down that road once they’ve already experienced it once. If they weren’t caught, and suffered no negative consequences, then they begin to feel invincible. No one can touch them; no one can hurt them.
This happens among adults, but is more common in teens, as their age group is known for fearlessness. They begin thinking that they can never be caught in immoral acts because it has never happened before.
Your job as a parent is to create negative consequences. This is a time for tough love and laying down the gauntlet. If you show your teen that you are going to put up with their behavior, then they have no reason to stop.
Consequences and punishments are important here. Sit down with your teen and lay out the results of particular behaviors, and explain that there will be no second chances. No TV for a month is not enough here; if your teen is out of line, then you have no choice but to “up the ante.” It has become obvious that your child is incapable of conducting himself properly outside the home, so he should be under your constant supervision. Home after school, no going out on weekends, and perhaps you should get him involved in some sort of community service to teach discipline and a sense of responsibility.
In case you haven’t noticed the pattern in these examples, let me spell it out for you: Parental Involvement. Even if you have been an attentive parent up until this point, it is time to make an even stronger statement.
Notice also that I have advised firmness, but not yelling or belittlement. Raging at your teen about his or her transgressions will only inspire rebellion; there are reasons why you expect certain things, and this is the time to explain those feelings. Don’t talk down to your teen; they have chosen to be treated like equals, so show them what the real world is like: unforgiving, but understanding.
As I said before, attempt to see things from you teen’s perspective, even if you cannot recall your own feelings from youth. Look through their eyes and try to understand what might be motivating their behavior; the source of misconduct is usually the driving force.
Here are a few other ideas to help your teen realize his or her problems:
1. If you know of an older teenager – perhaps a college student – who as his or her head on straight and to whom you know your teen looks up, ask them to talk with your child on a weekly or monthly basis. Sometimes teenagers will respond better to someone of their own generation who has faced the same adversities and triumphed, rather than given up.
2. Find a local therapist and insist that your teen see them weekly. If you haven’t tried this approach, it is often helpful to get a professional’s point of view.
3. Get your teen involved in some sort of volunteer work. Give them a reason and a purpose to see the “up side” of life, and to get reaquainted with civilized society.
4. Introduce your teen into a religious setting. Even if you aren’t particularly spiritual, it might be an avenue of success for your teen. Youth Groups and church activities are great ways to get him or her involved with a better crowd.
5. Consider military school. It may seem like an extremely harsh option, but it can help get your teen focused on positive things, and develop a sense of responsibility and discipline.
Remember, there is always someone available for help, and if you don’t see an end to the situation, seek help from a professional.
