What to Wear on a Date
Every Friday night I confronted the same dilemma: how much boobage? How much leg? How many inches of heel on the shoe? Is this a hot date? Is this a casual date? What should I wear???
Deciding what to wear for a date is daunting stuff, rife with social landmines – too hot and he’ll think you’re easy, too prim and he’ll think you’re not interested.
What’s a girl to do?
On one rare day of genius, I developed a scale for myself on which I could assess how hot an outfit was, and whether or not it sent the message I wanted to send to my date. I will now share my scale with you, gentle reader, and I will be rewarded with eternal happiness for my service to womankind.
It’s my 0-10 Hotness Scale. Each point on the scale indicates what message you want communicated to your date the instant he opens the door and sees you standing there, covered head to toe in anything from a mumu to chocolate syrup, depending. It goes like this:
0 – “I am in bed with the flu and don’t want to go on a date. If you don’t have chicken soup or chocolate with you, go away.”
For this look, wear pajamas.
1 – “I am cleaning the bath bomb residue out of the grout in my tub. If you don’t have a scrub brush or a shiny new tub with you, go away.”
This look involves the t-shirt stained with hair coloring, the ripped shorts, and $3 Old Navy flip flops. This is the outfit you can wear out of bed, but you can’t necessarily wear it out of the house.
2 – “I am doing my laundry at the Laundromat – what could be more romantic? If you don’t love me in my sweats, you don’t really love me.”
It’s the Laundromat uniform – sweats, t-shirt, mismatched socks, and baseball cap. You can wear it out of the house, but not to anywhere you want to be seen. It might also be called the “run to the store for ice cream” outfit.
3 – “We’re going hiking/camping/rock climbing/to build with Habitat for Humanity on this date, and my first priority is to create distance between me and the bugs/dirt/injuries etc. “
This look often involves a do-rag. Wear jeans, yoga pants, sneakersâÂ?¦ This is the first level of outfits that I might actually consider wearing on a date. These are clothes you can wear without embarrassment in places you’ll be recognized, but that you can’t wear to work.
4 – “Low maintenance, on my period, or you’re a swell guy and maybe in a couple months after we’ve gotten to know each other I’ll start to put a little more effort in. In the meantime, let’s go to Wendy’s.”
When you get to Level 4 of hotness, just the slightest amount of effort is put into your hotness. Wear clothes that actually fit well, for example. A casual Level 4 date outfit can be jeans and t-shirt, and a dressy Level 4 date can be a conservative suit or long dress. You may not look hot, but you look good.
5 – “I came straight from work to this date. I’m a nice girl. I can balance work and play. You will not be having sex with me tonight.”
Grown up. Playful. Here is where the real effort starts. The jeans and t-shirt of a Level 4 date become the dark wash jeans and button front shirt. The long dress becomes a knee-length dress. On a Level 5 date, wear whatever says, “Girl Next Door Grows Up” to you.
6 – “I’m a nice girl, but wait, isn’t that a hint of sex that you see peaking through that sheer blouse/above-the-knee skirt/slighty-too-red lipstick/casual lack of bra?”
On a Level 6 date, your outfit can dip a toe in the risquÃ?©. Wear outfits that turn the grown up girl next door into a slightly naughty girl – just slightly. The hotness limits itself to one area- either leg or cleavage, either eyeliner or lipliner. Understated hot. Simmering hot. Not pot-boiling-over hot. Save that for Level 9.
7 – “You don’t know if I did it on purpose, or if I just happened to be wearing exactly the thing that makes your knees weak and other parts, well, hard, but damn.”
The girl next door is decidedly naughty on Level 7 dates, when you wear an outfit that is the apparel equivalent to “accidentally” brushing your chest against his when you reach over for your purse. Plunging necklines, but
8 – “Maybe you’ll be getting some tonight, maybe not, but you know for sure that I wore this specifically to torment you with my hotness.”
This is where “hot” gets really hot. Push up bra? You bet. Fishnets? Definitely. On Level 8 dates wear whatever makes his clock tick. I had a boyfriend who had a thing for white button downs with black bras underneath, so that was my standard Level 8 outfit. I had another guy found low-rise jeans irresistible. Your Level 8 date outfit can moan “sex,” but it doesn’t promise delivery.
9 – “You will definitely get some tonight. Oh yes. You will.”
Hotness overflows with this outfit – tight, short, low cut, or with a slit up to there, this is the outfit that holds almost nothing back. Level 9 dates are special occasions when you’re really in the mood to blow hisâÂ?¦ mind.
10 – “We are having sex right now.”
‘Nuff said. (I don’t recommend wearing this one outside the house, since you might get arrested.)
Remember that elegance and trashiness are totally unrelated to the scale. 8 might be a slinky black dress suitable for a 5 star restaurant, or it might be Daisy Dukes and clingy little cotton cami. 9 could be thigh high stockings and tousled, this-is-what-my-hair-looks-like-after-sex do, or no panties and a lollipop. Whatever floats your dreamboat’s boat – or fails to float it, as the case may be.
I have found the scale to be invaluable in making such decisions as whether to wear the stilettos or the wedges (stiletto = 9, wedge = 6), and eyeliner versus no eyeliner (eyeliner = 7, no eyeliner = 5), and what color bra to wear under a white shirt (white = 5, black = 8, purple = 9).
And now I pass it on to you. Use it well. Oooh, and email me the next day to tell me how it goes!
