When Your Mother-in-Law Becomes a Grandma
However, from personal experience, I have found that once the little bundle of joy arrives, the battle begins. It may not be an outright war of sorts, but the battles can be just as damaging to the relationship.
You read everything you can get your hands on about parenting and bringing baby home. You carefully choose the best pediatrician for your child. You plan, you prepare and you wait. Finally, the big day arrives.
Not only are you bombarded with visits and calls from well meaning family and friends, you are more exhausted then you have ever been in your life. In the midst of the chaos you and your husband are trying to get to know the little miracle you have so patiently waited for. Whether it is your first child, or your fourth, each child is indeed different. It takes a bit of time to adjust.
I love my mother-in-law, I really do. I have her to thank for raising her son so that he is not only an awesome husband, but a wonderful dad as well. We get along, yet the tension that has surfaced lately in reference to our 4 month old daughter has become a source of discontent that is effecting our relationship.
Having been married before, I am not new to this. In dealing with my former mother-in-law I learned many valuable lessons along the way that I am able to now put into to practice. These tips I share with you hoping that it will help you to avoid some of the common pitfalls, avoid useless arguments and help you to adjust when your mother-in-law becomes Grandma.
How to Survive and Help Your Relationship Thrive:
1. Communication is the key. Remember you and your mother-in-law come from different generations. What your doctor tells you to do today may be very different then what she was taught and what she did when raising her own children.
2. Be respectful. I know at times this may be difficult, but always remember she means well. When you disagree on any aspect of parenting, voice your opinion, but do so in a way that shows you respect her and her opinions. You will get nowhere if you become confrontational.
3. Agree to disagree. Sometimes there are going to be issues that the two of you will disagree on no matter what. Call a truce, explain how you feel and let it go.
4. Speak up. On really important issues express how you feel and why. Holding back and pretending to agree will only cause resentment and unresolved anger that will effect your relationship. You are the parent now. You have your child’s best interest at heart. Express how you feel. She may not like it, but she will have to eventually accept it.
5. Choose your battles wisely. After all, she is Grandma. Let her enjoy the experience. So what if she allows your child to have a cookie, or stay up late at her house. Part of being Grandma is being able to spoil her grandkids. She has earned this right. All too soon, your time will come and you will want this as well!
Let me give you an example of a recent personal experience. My 9 year old daughter was in an All Stars tournament. My husband had to work, but my mother-in-law went with me. The tournament was an hour away in another county. Everything went well, until we were halfway home, and my infant daughter began to cry. My mother-in-law believes that babies should never be allowed to cry, ever. The baby was getting hungry, we were almost home, and only had enough formula for a small bottle. My mother-in-law got very, I mean very upset that I was allowing the baby to cry. I finally looked over at her and asked her, “What do you want me to do? I am driving and we are almost home. She will be fine.”. It had been a long hot day for all of us, and my baby was tired and cranky. As soon as we were home, she had a bottle, a diaper change, some mama love and she was fine.
Now, this caused a bit of friction between us. A small incident I know. But later I called her and explained my reasoning for what I did. She didn’t like it. She didn’t agree. But we came to an understanding. I expressed to her that I always have my children’s best interest at heart. I told her that there will be issues that she and I will not agree on, but that I love her and will always be open and honest about how I feel.
That’s all you can do. Do the best you can. I do suggest that you listen as well as communicate. Sometimes “grandma” can have the best advice and remedies for child rearing that you would never be able to find in a book. Learn as you go. Be open. Be honest. Communicate. Your time will come, and the shoe will be on the other foot, when you have little ones that too call you “grandma”.
