Why You Should Watch Happy Hour on FOX!
Since it might be hours yet until you can see the next episode (if the show stays on the air long enough for there to be another episode) you can get a fix now by going to the Fox website and taking a look at the homepage for “Happy Hour.” If you get there soon, Fox’s writing staff is ready to assure you of a good time with the statement: “Happy Hour” … free buffalo wings … half-priced drinks … and the time between the end of one relationship and the start of another…” What else do you need to know to understand why you cannot survive this hellhole called life without watching this show?
Oh, you aren’t convinced yet? You’ve seen it and you don’t plan to watch again? You haven’t seen it and aren’t convinced that you should trade in tickets to see Madonna great crucified when you could instead watch this gem? Let me explain more, then, about why you should see it. So, first, what is it all about? One dude named Henry Beckman (played by John Sloan) had a good job, a nice crib, and a pretty girlfriend. He lived in Amsterdam, home of the greatest spring break trips of this decade. Well, ok, Henry lived in Amsterdam, Missouri and I might have it mixed up with some other tourist spot. Anyway, dear Henry’s girlfriend convinced him to give up the life of the Missouri Dutch and move to Chicago where he could do what all men dream of: obtain gainful employment working for his future in-laws. From there, Henry’s life takes a terrible and shocking turn. You certain couldn’t begin to guess it, since it is painfully obvious that the internet is all true, all terrorists drink bottled water, and every man who follows love ends up in heaven. Oh Henry, though, he loses the job, the girlfriend and his new digs. Lucky for Henry, he quickly finds friendship in his new roomie played by Lex Medlin and known on the show as Larry. Larry… Wasn’t that the name of the creepy guy who always flirted with Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company?
Now you must see at least part of what makes this show so important for every man, woman and child. You must also see why they called this show “Happy Hour.” I mean, if your life is as bad as or worse than the characters on this show, then as much as misery loves company you probably cannot wait for a half-hour like this every single week. Why would you want to watch bikini-clad ladies on some island reality show (no, this is not a hidden plug for Survivor but a plea for the networks to buy my script for ‘American Tiki-Idol: A Brady Bunch Re-Union with Real People”) when you could instead watch something like your own life? On the other hand, if your life is fantastic, you must be searching for some way to humble yourself and what better way than to spend a 30 minute period of meditation and contemplation on the plight of the broken-hearted white male? This show is not entertainment, its religion.
If that still doesn’t have you sold, then let me give you a few highlights from the first episodes of “Happy Hour.” Caution- these could be either spoiled or spoilers and may be removed from shelves along with bagged spinach and mildewed library books. That said, let me jump quickly to one of the best moments in the early episodes in this sitcom so that I can tempt and amaze you. The writer’s have come up with a fresh way to make you laugh! Only a girl or boy over twelve could come up with something this good! Henry is in the middle of a job interview (wearing shorts like most people do when they desperately need work) and lo and behold, his bazongos seem to be visible to the interviewer! Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard just remembering it. If I had just used some eye drops I’d be downright crying! If you are so crazy that this still is not enough to get you watching, just hear this: you will also have the delight of watching a grown man shove a remote control down his pants to keep it away from his mean ex-girlfriend. You’ll get to watch depressed guys drinking martinis at four in the afternoon, which is always so much fun that I often go down to the local biker bar to watch hairy old guys do the same thing, but usually while wearing black leatherette.
Now, I know that I’ve already said enough and you must have stopped reading this to sit in front of your television with candles and incense and wait for the next episode. I’m a perfectionist, though, and I won’t be satisfied until I have given you all the propaganda necessary to instill in you a sense of deep Faith in Fox. Before I take my leave for my own “Happy Hour” vigil I vow to impart a few more words of wisdom. The character of Amanda (Beth Lacke) will tell Henry a romantic story about her gynecologist. Henry will pathetically consider going to the gym and actually working on something that might actually do him some good, but thankfully he will instead sit down to knock off a little more cheap gin. Though Henry appears to be straight, he will offer his new roomie Larry a chance to go camping with him in lieu of any kind of actual birthday gift. (Henry probably is straight, he is just too broke to buy a real present since he indulges in the do-it-yourself happy hour each day at a time when most of us are still doing actual work.) Don’t worry, though, the show will not leave you or Henry’s body-parts hanging with just men in tents, not to be confused with “Men in Trees” which might be a good follow-up television experience. But, no, “Happy Hour” eventually does redeem itself with a toy elephant that distributes cancer-sticks from its rear end.
I am filled with hope for creative episodes with other new ideas. Just think, what would happen if these characters had a wacky friend named Kramer? Or, what if they were all stranded with the Professor and Mary Ann? Or, if we get really wild with this- what if Henry tried to plan a runaway with a fifteen-year-old girl from a family who hates HIS family, and they both ended up committing suicide with the help of a priest? And Henry changed his name to Martina and went to the Olympics as a gymnast? And, what if everyone got… electrocuted? Yes, with “Happy Hour” you won’t want to miss a single show.
And that, my friend, is why you should watch.
