Wild Wild Boys
I run home and immediately post frantic messages on parenting bulletin boards all over the Internet asking other moms with dear sons how they handle such an insidious problem as an imagination interfering with their sons’ self esteem. The rational replies I receive calm me down, and after a few weeks of constant analyzing and talking it over with my husband ad nauseum, I know the teacher is simply wrong. My boy is doing just what all other normal 4-year-olds do: He is pretending to be someone destined for greatness. Where his teacher sees bad, wild boy behavior, I see innocence and beauty.
Teaching Boys
School has become an unforgiving place for young boys. From kindergarten through sixth grade, boys spend more than 1,000 hours a year in school – environments that are largely feminine with female teachers, and curricula that emphasizes reading, writing and verbal ability, areas where boys develop more slowly than girls. So what do the schools do? They suggest we use drugs to calm our boys (90% of the more than 3 million children on Ritalin are boys). Or they put them in special education classes, where boys are three times more likely to be enrolled than the typical girl. Often, teachers send them to the school psychologist (assuming the school has one) where boys are sent 4 times more than girls.
It is well-known that boys mature more slowly than girls and, as a result, are slower to achieve cognitive milestones than girls their same age. Yet no one does anything to help these boys succeed in school. Many educators proclaim there is no other way to teach the fundamentals than the way they currently do. Give me a break. Can such educated, caring individuals really be so uncreative? I think not.
It’s not just the teachers and administrators who think my wild theory about wild boys is way off base. I am constantly amazed at the reactions I get when I bring up such an indelicate issue. I get blank stares from other moms of my generation. I receive loads of unsolicited advice on how to keep boys “in line” from the fathers. And the people without kids tell me the “boy” problem is worse than I think and the fault of permissive parents. Even my own father eschews my theories. This man, who has never been a friend to the feminist movement, tells me that boys don’t need overprotective moms like me trying to make their world any easier. They simply need to toughen up and get with the program (whatever that means).
Living in Denial
I have come to believe that this denial comes from society’s inability to grasp the concept that they’ve taken an idea too far. As adaptable as we humans are, it seems we are unable to right ourselves once we’ve flipped the boat too far to one side. We’ve spent the better part of the last century (especially the last 30 years) focusing on equality and life issues for women and girls that we’ve completely left the boys behind. The statistics show us just how far behind they’ve become:
� 95 percent of juvenile homicides are committed by boys.
� Boys are the perpetrators of four out of five crimes that end up in juvenile court.
� Boys under the age of 18 are responsible for close to one-fifth of the violent crime in the United States.
So are you staring at this page the way most people stare at me when I say this? Are you saying to yourself, “Doesn’t she know that men rule the world?” Of course I know this, but the world is changing and our vision of boyhood is not. Even the First Lady Laura Bush agrees. In an article in January 16 edition of Parade, she states that one of her biggest concerns is boys and the lack of nurturing they receive in our attempts to make them tougher and more self-reliant. She believes boys need just as much nurturing as girls do, and when they don’t get it, they fail. They join gangs, do drugs, and drop out of school.
Of course, I am not recommending we stop disciplining our sons or helping them to be independent. It’s quite the opposite, actually. As I write this, my two preschool-aged sons are wrestling on the floor behind me. I let them roughhouse because I know many boys need this physical activity. But we have rules of engagement they must follow and when someone gets hurt, we sit down and talk about how we can be more careful and considerate of one another. It’s a dichotomy, I know, but a necessary one in my house. I am forever cognizant of the “Lord of the Flies” mentality taking over my home. Lord of the Flies scenarios happen because boys are neglected or constantly put down by a society who doesn’t have much use for them anymore. This attitude has got to stop.
Where do we go from here?
Schools need to rethink they way they teach. The current curricula depends on students who can sit for long periods of time, do not get distracted easily by extraneous things, and can be quieter for longer periods of time.
Diane Ravitch, author and former U.S. Department of Education official, says, “Children need physically connected activities, particularly boys. They learn best by doing. An early elementary school student can learn a ton of math and geometry skills, as well as problem solving and social skills, from Legos, building blocks, and wood working projects. Cooking projects are also very useful. Boys love these types of hands-on lessons and activities, but too often teachers find it easier to simply give them worksheets instead. And now, with so much time being devoted to testing and preparing for testing, teachers’ repertoires are even more limited, which is bad for children, particularly boys.”
It’s an uphill climb to change schools in America, but one I’m ready to take on. My sons need me to be their advocate and to help them navigate in such an unempathetic, unsupportive environment. I will focus on the unique gifts my boys bring to this world and help them rise to the challenge our education system has placed in front of them – even if it means they go to college in superhero capes and laser wrist watches.
