Winter Activity: Build an Igloo

“But Mommm, Daddd, it’s cold out!”

Well it wouldn’t be too cold for them if they hung out inside an igloo.

Every year my family makes an igloo. I mean, the snow we shovel off of the sidewalks has to go somewhere! Might as well turn that mass of ice into something fun. I know, it seems like a daunting task, but fear not. It’s not very hard, and if you get really lazy halfway through, your mound of snow can be used for something else that’s fun too. If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or your children suffer from lack of exercise during the winter like the average child does, then this activity might appeal to your family. The least you can do is build an igloo for some quality time, which I’m sure your family needs.

First, turn off the tv. You might have the motivation to get outside, but as soon as the commercials are over and you hear that precious theme song for your supposedly “favorite show” you’re going to sit right back down. Funny isn’t it, that when you’re looking for an excuse to be lazy, all of a sudden you find that you have more than one favorite show? Ok, turn the box off.

Now, empty your head of all thoughts except for one. Make it a mantra if you will. “I’m going to build an igloo. Yeehaw!” If you allow anything to come in between you and your masterpiece, you will fail to begin. Don’t think of work, don’t answer any phone calls, just focus on getting out of the door. There’s another purpose to this. We all know that it takes approximately 2.5 hours to boot 2.5 children out into the freezing cold. If you get phone calls in the midst of putting on winter coats, your poor kids will be dying of heat exhaustion by the time you’re ready to go.

That being said, bundle your kids up properly! I cannot stress this enough. Nothing is worse than having to constantly run in and out of the house because in your haste you failed to wrap Suzy’s hands up with proper mittens and now she’s wailing that she wants some hot cocoa. It also helps to prevent Johnny from sneaking ice balls into the back of Suzy’s coat, making her whine even more. Also, it’s very important to bundle yourself up. I know you feel like superman because you can run out into 20 degree weather to grab the mail without one sign of shrinkage, but this is no jog to the end of the drive we’re preparing you for. You’re going to be outside for at least an hour (or three) and if you can’t remember the last time you were out in the snow for at least an hour, then I know that I am doing a good thing by writing this.

(Oh, um, I forgot to mention that you might want to have your kids go potty before you bundle them. Why did I wait to mention that until now? Because I happen to always make the mistake of thinking about the toilet after the kids are already wrapped up like sardines.)

Right before you step out of the door, make sure your kids are bundled, you’re bundled, and that you all have a glass of water. Yes, you can get parched while shoveling snow and after awhile you might start getting desperate enough to chew on a snowball in an effort to not have to walk in and out of the house. Trust me, Mrs. Jones has no problem with letting Fido pee in your yard and you’re not going to want to take your chances.

It’s go time. Step outside. Breathe in that refreshing air. Get a bit of sun on your face. It will raise your spirits. Take a look at your surroundings and decide which is the best way you can pile the most amount of snow with the least amount of effort. This may lower your spirits. But this tactic pays off in the long run. Your back will thank you. Actually, it won’t, because you’ll still be shoveling snow for an hour, but at least it won’t be two hours of redundant work. Don’t forget that you have child labor at your side. Hand your minions a shovel or two. Do not feel bad for them. Even a 5 year old can scrape snow across a sidewalk. Plus, this will be fun for them. I promise, your children will be thinking, “Yay, Mom and Dad are spending quality time with us instead of sitting on their butts telling us to play in our rooms!”

Making the igloo is actually the easiest part of this whole fiasco. You just keep tossing snow into a very big mound. Very big is a descriptive term that’s very relative of course. Its definition varies by how tall your children are, how much help you have, and how much your old bones can tolerate this work. Just to give you some idea though, I’ll tell you that I’ve made igloos that came up to my chest, and some that were taller than my own head. For all of you mathematicians out there, let’s say between four and six feet high.

One thing you’ll have to remember as you pile on the snow, is that the taller you make the igloo, the wider the base will have to be. I know it seems like common sense. But honestly, after slaving away for an hour, or two or three, common sense decides to take a coffee break. Just when your igloo starts to seem tall in your eyes, and you realize you have to widen the base, a part of you will die a little inside. You will spend another half hour piling snow up as high as you can, thinking you can defy the law of gravity, shaking your fist at Newton’s ghost the whole way. Look, don’t waste your time and energy heaving the snow to the top only to watch it cascade back down, which will widen the base anyway. As soon as you realize the base must be widened, grab common sense from the coffee room, slap it around a bit, and get back to work.

You will work hard, you will sweat blood, but finally your igloo will be complete. Wait, no it won’t. (Common sense decided to sneak away for a quick smoke. It will return momentarily.) Now is probably the time where Daddy will send the kids back into the house to enjoy a nice, hot cup of cocoa with Mom. Because you see, he doesn’t want his family to see him lose his manhood to a flood of tears. Yes, my friend, you made a mountain. Congratulations. But now you have to get on your hands and knees and dig a hole through this mountain. Are we having fun yet?

No worries though. I’ll share a tip with you. Borrow a piece of cardboard from your packrat neighbor and lay it on the ground. For the next half hour, this will be your lifeline. If you’re already wearing a pair of snowpants that are impervious to the icy cold, then let me be the first to mock you. No, I do not laugh at your foresight, but the rather, the fact that you look really funny. Alright, kneel on the cardboard and start digging that hole. You get bonus points if you take the snow you dig out and create a huge ball with it. This huge ball can be used as a “door” to the igloo, or for Frosty the Snowman’s bottom, or save it for the neighborhood snowball fight. Nothing feels better than crying out, “Nuclear bomb!” as that massive snowball hits the side of that neighborhood bully’s fort, causing him to run home crying, and making your kid proud of you.

Now here are are few tips for carving out the inside of the igloo. As awesome it may seem to make the inside of the igloo as roomy as possible, refrain from carving out every corner, especially the roof. Ha, I know, round things have no corners. Ok fine, you got me there. Point being, it’s a scientific fact that the day after someone creates a front yard igloo, Mr. Sun likes to shine down upon it, admiring their handiwork, and melting it in the process. Your children will wake up to an igloo with a skylight. Well, that’s what you’ll call it, but they’ll just call it dumb and won’t want to play in it. Keep the walls thick.

Now here’s the fun part. The next day, you’ll be too tired to go out and play. But now you can kick the children outside guilt-free. “But it’s too cold out!” they’ll cry. You can sit there, warm coffee in hand, and say something smarmy like, “It’s not too cold for the Eskimos. Why do you think I built you that igloo anyway?” Actually, that’s not a very humorous thing to say, but I’ve used up all of my wit in these snide comments to my kids, so I have no more left over to share with you. Or you could try the guilt method. Put a hand up to your “aching” back… what am I saying, it really will be aching… so put a hand up to your aching back and make your kids realize what a sacrifice you’ve made for them to have fun. At any rate, if you’re really good at convincing your children that igloos are the trendy thing to have, they won’t want to come back inside for a long time.

Earlier I mentioned that if you couldn’t manage to finish the igloo, there’s another thing your kids could do with that mound? Ok good, just checking. This mound is the coolest snow slide you could ever imagine. Really, why beg to go to the park where you can’t have fun anyway, when you have a snow slide in your front yard? Your kids will love it. You’ll get hugs from them if you help carve out some holes for stairs. And remember that piece of cardboard that you didn’t use because you chose not to dig out the inside of the igloo? Well now it’s a sled. This idea also works when your igloo starts to melt. so what if there’s a gaping hole in the roof. You can pack the hole with more snow and beat down on the new roof (because you know, you don’t want your kids to stand as King of the Hill only to fall through and come crying with a busted lip, so pack the gaping roof in good.)

I don’t recommend the snow slide for very small children or on mounds that were made too steep. I did stress for you to widen the base, remember? Well it comes in handy now. For smaller children I recommend that you make a mini mound. Why do they think it’s fun? I have no clue. It might be for the same reason that turning a dining chair over and “sliding” down it is fun. At any rate, it works, and it makes them feel special because they have their own little piece of happiness that the bigger kids aren’t allowed to touch. Speaking of which, ever make mini snowmen? The smaller kids absolutely love those.

I could go on and on but I think you’ve been sitting here at the computer long enough, don’t you? Time to get motivated!

Disclaimer: Please don’t overdo yourself in this activity if you’re not used to exercising. Consult a doctor if need be.