Worst Date Ever
I rummaged through my closet to find an outfit that said, “sexy, fun, creative, and courageous,” while holding onto just a hint of “Listen buster I know how to kick box and I am not afraid to show you.” The closefitting red sweater, jeans and hiking boots seemed to be the perfect combination. I was ready to go!
Unfortunately I had a four hour drive in order to meet Soccerpro who I was now calling “Dave”. The only thing meandering more than the mountain road was my resolve to actually show up. Somehow I gathered the courage to drive all the way to my destination, Gateway Mall in Salem Oregon.
I walked around the mall hoping to find the food court which is where we had agreed to meet. I was picturing the man I saw in the photo, striking good looks with an athletic build, six foot two inches tall. Convinced that I arrived first since no one met that description, I bought myself a soda and took a seat at one of the many tables. My eyes scanned the other customers, looking for a man who looked just as lost as I did. It seemed that every man I saw was with another woman already. There was one man standing alone against the wall, but there was no way that could be Dave. He was much older than the man described online and couldn’t have been taller than five feet five inches. Imagine my surprise when he locked eyes with me and started walking toward my table. As he approached I was able to see clearly the face of this man. He looked very similar to my internet hottie, just about ten years older, ten inches shorter and fifty pounds heavier.
“Jenny is that you?” The scariest sentence I had ever heard.
“Yes?” I suppose it sounded more like a question than an answer.
“Wow, you look better than your photo!” he admired.
Searching for something positive to say my only thought was, “You are certainly punctual!”
We had previously talked about what to do on our date and had agreed that a very public date just walking the mall might be our best option. After about ten minutes of strained conversation and humiliation at Dave’s totally inappropriate humor, I suggested that we see a movie. Yes, a movie that is the perfect idea. Go into a dark room and kill the two hours I had left before I could assume my hasty retreat back down the mountain road.
How can I let Dave know that I am just not interested without hurting his feelings or making a scene? As we walked toward the movie theater I devised a plan. We approached the ticket sales girl and I immediately took a ten dollar bill out of my wallet. He will see now that I am paying my own way and that I have no intention of carrying this to the next level. The ticket girl announced the price of our tickets, “Six dollars each please.” Dave took two dollars out of his wallet, joined it with my ten, and pushed it toward the sales girl! Are you kidding me? This isn’t going Dutch!
We went to the snack bar to get refreshments and I took another ten dollar bill out of my wallet. I ordered a diet soda. Dave stopped the sales girl by saying can you make that a Sprite? I love to share drinks but I don’t like diet soda. He grabbed two straws and headed for the theater as I paid for HIS soda!
Once in the theater, I had hoped that we would just silently watch the movie without having to continue anymore conversation. You may already be guessing how completely na�¯ve I must have been to believe that. Dave talked through the whole movie. He commented on every scene without ever lowering his voice. I sank deeper and deeper into my seat. When it seemed I had no where lower to sink, Dave leaned in. He wanted a kiss. I faked a sneeze and said I needed to run to the restroom to blow my nose. Luckily the movie was over by the time I finished and I waited for him in the lobby.
Dave was nice enough to let me down easy. He let me know that I was just not his type. He was looking for someone a little more outgoing who would have made more of an effort at the first impression. I told him I understood and turned to leave. As I was walking away he called after me, “Don’t I get a good night kiss?”
