Your Marriage After Baby’s Birth
You had to take care of things like medical insurance matters and preparing a nursery. Those months were also filled with things such as baby showers, preparing a layette, buying a crib and car seat, and many other things that need to be done before the family’s newest member comes home.
. . . And then the whirlwind starts
After arriving home, visits from family members and friends begin. As parents, you are both exhausted most of the time even though you don’t mind that cherished little voice demanding your attention in the middle of the night. If one or both of you spends daytimes at home, there will be the added exhaustion of all the work that needs to be done the first few weeks.
Suddenly things start getting a little less chaotic and you find that there is a little bit more free time and there is actually time to relax for a moment and think. A certain realization sometimes hits very hard and you find yourself asking some questions.
1. What has happened to our marriage?
2. Where is the intimacy in this relationship?
3. Does he/she still love me?
4. Will we ever have passion again?
5. Is life as we knew it essentially over?
Lots of questions, but are there any answers?
The answer is that all of your energies and those of your partner have most likely gone into the planning and later care of your precious newborn. That is the way it should be, of course, but by the time a lot of people realize that it happened, a whole year may have passed. (Nine months for pregnancy and a few weeks or months of nearly full-time infant care).
It may feel as if your life will never be the same again. Will it ever be as it was pre-pregnancy? In some ways that will be true but there are also things you can do to prevent it from getting out of hand. There are new responsibilities but many things can be the same, you will just need to perhaps help them happen. Maybe you can’t pick up suddenly on a Friday night for a spontaneous trip to the beach as in the past . . . but maybe you can plan it for Saturday night instead, as one example.
Big life change, sure!
One of the biggest changes, especially if this is your first baby, is that you may have just gotten used to being a husband or wife a short time before the pregnancy. Now suddenly you are adding Mommy or Daddy onto that title and it will require an adjustment. It may have even been less than a year since you were dealing with switching from “single person” to “finance” to husband or wife to begin with.
So how can you get some spark back into your marriage if caring for a newborn has taken the place of all intimacy in the household? The first thing to do is to take a moment to remember how things were before the pregnancy. Some things that you think have been lost in all the excitement can just be re-started again. As just one of countless possible examples, did your partner always make Saturday breakfast for you but stopped because of your morning sickness or tiredness after the birth? Things like that can be brought back and re-started without any effort and you will begin to see signs of normalcy returning.
Intimacy sparks . . . How to nurture your marriage
– Cook a weekend breakfast for your partner and remember to do the dishes when the meal is finished. It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate, it’s the gesture that will be most remembered.
– Plan a date. There is no reason why you can’t go out on a date once in a while. It is often difficult for new parents to leave the baby with someone (the guilt factor) but choose a family member or someone you fully trust and that will help get rid of the guilty feelings. Go out for a movie and dinner or go shopping or just take a long walk or bike ride. The important thing is spending time together.
If you are simply not ready to leave the baby with a sitter, why not rent a few videos and prepare some popcorn on a Friday or Saturday night? There will perhaps be an interruption or two for feeding or diaper changing, but the essential thing is that you sat down jointly to watch videos and didn’t both go your own ways.
– Read to each other after dinner. It may sound strange at first when you will both be very tired most likely, but often hearing a soft and gentle voice is very soothing as we are beginning to wind down for the evening. Reading material is your choice and can be anything from poetry to a current magazine or best seller to the Bible. Plan the activity for once or twice a week and you may start looking forward to “reading night.”
A very important item to remember
As simple as it sounds, communicating will be one of the most vital aspects of recovering the intimacy in your relationship. Talk! Over the dinner table is a good place to start putting this into practice. Perhaps it seems like a no-brainer that communication is a key element, but sometimes it’s very easy to neglect this very thing that sounds so simple and fundamental.
It’s not taboo to wonder about your sexual relations!
An article about post-birth intimacy would not be complete without mention of the resumption of the sexual relationship. This is generally about six weeks after the birth.
You will have to remember that all things will not necessarily be the same as before the baby was born or before the pregnancy. That doesn’t mean it will be worse, just that because of the toll that pregnancy and giving birth may have put on the mother, it may just be a little different for a while.
If you know that fact and discuss it with your partner ahead of time, there won’t be any surprises that could cause difficulty in a relationship that may already be strained in certain areas.
This is the point at which a caveat may enter the picture. By the time mom’s physical and mental states may finally be getting back to normal and passion may have returned to the pre-pregnancy state, it is the time that some couples decide they would like to add a sibling to the family. This of course could further strain any loss of passion that may have been experienced. Take note this is all about biological changes and not about love or lack thereof.
Some other things to put into practice . . .
– Don’t forget to tell your partner that you appreciate the help that is given to you. (Only if this applies, of course!) Remember the little demonstrations of love that you showed before you were married or before the pregnancy and take the time to make some of them happen again. This could be a love note in the briefcase, a poem written from the heart, or any other of countless ideas you may generate to spark a relationship that has been buried under dirty diapers for a while.
– Compliment your partner. Everyone likes to be noticed and acknowledged. Find out what has been going on at work and offer a “good job!” or “Wow, you are so good at what you do!” often. Be sure to make it sincere, though, and not just lip service. If you truly don’t care about what’s going on at your spouse’s job, don’t pretend to want to know.
– Don’t forget the pleasantries we were all taught as children. These include things such as being polite with “please” and “thank you” and just a well timed hug once in a while. When trying to build passion and regain intimacy in a relationship, these things can go a long way.
Saturday night at 8 p.m. Be there or be square . . .
That may bring a smile to read, but you may have to plan your moments of physically intimacy even if that sounds very un-spontaneous. There will be times when the baby finally falls asleep at 8 p.m. or you both want an early bedtime that will be good times to plan some loving care time.
Whether you choose to have sexual contact or not isn’t the point here because “physical intimacy” can include cuddling, spooning, or even things like a back rub or holding hands. Tenderness is the key here. Bottom line: you may actually have to “schedule” some of those liaisons but you will be glad that you did.
